Monday, October 08, 2007

Banging my head against the wall

Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from a case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I have certain character traits that lead me to believe that this may be true. For one thing I am very organized at home, everything has to be in its place. I also consider myself a creature of habit. I have a pretty strict schedule I set for myself, and if something comes up that throws me off schedule I tend to get a bit disorientated.
What really bothers me though is my compulsion to write, to express myself. I am like those gym rats who feel like a part of them is missing if they don’t go to the gym every day to work out. I feel the same if I don’t write at least something, no matter how small and insignificant.

Like most writers, I hope that I am reaching at least a small audience, and that my words give meaning to someone. When I first started writing to say that my ability to express myself clearly would be an understatement. Over time, and with much practice I feel that I have improved and therefore am able to get my point across much better. This apparently is the case, as I have received numerous e mails containing kudos for the things I have to say and the way that I say them. Even the negative letters I have received have been written more in the vein of constructive criticism than opposing my views.

However with the type of writing that I tend to do, politically based articles and letters, I hope for more than just an e mail response saying something along the lines of ‘good job’, ‘great article’, or something like that. I hope to stimulate people into action. I hope to motivate people into making a change in this country for the better.

When I get e mails after my articles are posted on the internet, I do get some satisfaction in knowing that I am not alone in thinking the way that I do. Unfortunately I also get the feeling that I am sometimes preaching to the choir. The people who subscribe to the mailing lists and visit the webpages where my material is posted already are pretty much in synch with what I say anyway. So my articles are being read by people who, for the most part, agree with me.

I also print out a good portion of what I write and take it to work. I leave it laying around for people to read in the hopes that someone might take an interest in the subjects I write about. For the most part I have been unsuccessful in doing that.
I mentioned that to someone I respect and she reminded me of the scripture found in Matthew 13:57 “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and in his own household."

I am not comparing myself to a prophet, but the similarity still is something that I can relate to. Hence the title of this piece, Banging My Head Against A Wall. That is what I feel like I am doing sometimes, banging my head against a wall. It seems like no matter what words I string together, what facts I provide, how obnoxious I get, I cannot seem to break through to enough people to change the course of events that are destroying this country.

I don’t expect to change things all by myself, my ego isn’t that inflated. However I do wish that I could reach at least one or two people who in turn might be able to reach one or two more. I can accept being called a kook or a conspiracy nut by the majority of the people I talk to about these issues. It just seems that I am not reaching the people who need to be reached.

If this seems downbeat and disenchanted, fear not, I am not one to give up that easily. It is just that I am experiencing a bit of writers block. I am stuck trying find a new way to express myself so that my words will make a difference to just one or two people.

And don’t worry, I won’t quit banging my head against this wall. My wife says I am hard headed, so my skull can take the pounding. Maybe if I keep at it long enough a crack will appear and then the truth will begin to find its way to those on the other side of that wall.

As I said, I think I am somewhat compulsive and that I feel I must write something every day. So this is it for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a new day with new ideas and new subject matter which will compel me to write with a bit more enthusiasm. Until then....

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